Why I Cry

Got news yesterday that a vet would no longer be able to do Impulse this season

No, that didn’t make me cry. I’ll get to that, eventually πŸ™‚

I could tell, even by text he was very disappointed. He was in the corps last year and had participated most of this year until recently. He, and most if not all the members, had a great experience last season and he was enjoying and liking how the corps was improving this year. Then, stuff happened

I had anticipated this news as he had been keeping me updated on his status. Still, I was maintaining hope that things would work out and that he would be able to participate. I had an emotional response when he told me he was definitely out for this season

I buried that emotional response. I’ve always been very good at not just hiding but burying my emotions since my 20’s. Now, well the past 14-15 years anyway, I’ve gotten it down to a science. It’s how I got through a very very difficult time in life. Helping a friend rehab after she had been raped and beaten. I learned then how to push beyond emotions and how to be super focused and concentrate and be efficient in dealing with concrete realities. She needed me to be that way, and understood

But I’ve also learned that those emotions never really go away. So I cry randomly πŸ˜€


I kid. That was no random crying. That was a magical moment for the ages. Well, and also a good example of what I’m talking about. It was the third day of tour last year. I was functioning at a very high, pragmatic level. Anything that deserved some level of emotional response got none from me. Make it happen – move with a purpose – max your (my) gig. But like I said, feelings don’t go away. So when that moment came, a pure electric emotional performance, affirmed by strangers telling me they hadn’t experienced a performance like that in YEARS, all the feels from the past three days poured out, literally :’)

(and that show was technically probably the worst show that season πŸ˜€ )

Funny, I also remembered being in the middle of that after show circle, with tears streaming from my eyes someone, a member, asked if it was that bad. No, I said, it was beautiful πŸ™‚

I just remembered also having a very strong emotional moment keeping a performer off the field. She had a concussion but wanted so badly to rehearse and perform and I had to tell her that was not going to happen. We shared tears. The frustration and pain, physical pain and emotional pain, she was feeling I can only imagine

I can feel myself doing it again. It’s how I operate. It’s not good or bad. It just is, like everything else πŸ™‚

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