August 5 St.Mary Pennsylvania Friday
Terry is our school contact. Guess I mumbled my name when he asked me because he keeps calling me Murray 😛 He helped me figure out how to get the girls showers on. Had a moment with Emma and AZ before lights out ❤
After afternnon Rehearsal Block
Their second run through wasn’t worth watching either. Sigh. They just walked through the first one, said they could do better. Maybe its me, maybe I’m wrong, but probably not. Meh. I don’t even want to go to the show. Seems like some of them don’t either. I’m mot sure about anything anymore at this point. It seeems like we’re just pushing the kids around right now: get on the bus, get off the bus, move in, go eat, unload the truck, get on the field, etc. And they’re compliant, the kids that is, they’re doing what we ask, to a point. Maybe I’m not explicit enough in my communication of expectations. Maybe I’m not a good enough example. Sigh. I dunno.
Everyone seems very tired. Kids, instructional staff, support staff. We’re all pushing but there’s this odd feeling of uncertainty hanging in the air.
My mind is just wandering aimlessly right now. Between runs I talked to the corps, acknowledged the difficulties we’ve all been struggling with, and I asked them to make it mean something. We are all going through struggles individually and as a corps, it has to mean something, they have to find a reason to continue to push past these moments and find what they want this to be about, soemthing more, something greater than how they feel right now. Sigh. I have to figure this out too and make this mean something to me too.
Johnsburg Pennsylvania Show
The truck is here but locked so I’m holding the key out as the kids are getting off the bus. No one looks up as they go by. No one even looks at me but I am just watching them go by and not saying anything either. They are all on automatic. Camilo put he horn in the locked bay before we left the school and not on the truck, but didn’t tell any staff or the bus driver before the driver left. I’m heading straight to the stadium.
I was going to give up all our vizh warm up time to Josh, but Alexis talked me out of it. There’s an awesome pre show mix on the PA system inside the stadium. There seems to be a very limited gene pool in this area. Very limited. Two bus loads of kids from I’m guessing local schools just got off and are walking in. Lots of FLKs and funny looking adults too. So judgemental right now, not gonna lie.
Local high school is sponsoring the show and their PTA is having a bake sale. Not interested but it looked so good I bought 10 bucks worth of stuff, then I handed it off to brass staff, Marco and Johnny (#3 and #4 both have bad ankles)
Rain hype after the show, right before Spartans encore. Third rain moment this tour, Utah, Wisconsin, now Pennsylvania. This is the first time since California that I helped myself to the judge’s leftover hospitality. The DCI coordinator dude was like, hey! What are you doing, I said, what? Want me to put it back? 🙂 Naw he said, just messing with me. It was just drinks, candy, cookies, and granola bars and I passed it all out to staff except I kept one water 😀
Got back to the school, St. Mary middle school and had a short chat with Emma and AZ ❤
Redacted: nail polish?
Terry has to repeat my name like 3 or 4 times because I forget he’s been calling me Murray since we got here and I’ve never corrected him 😛 He’s sleeping at the school entrance with me tonight. He offered me a cot, I politely said no thank you. He seeemed puzzled by my sleeping arrangement choice.
August 6 Saturday Johnsburg Pennsylvania
Bagels and PB and J for breakfast and then the food crew went straight into lunch prep. Vet leadership, cough cough, questioned by rookies, again, for good reason, again.
Daniella, I haven’t used this term in a looooong time, is one fabulous babe. She is meticulous about all her personal details all the time. Her appearance, head to toe, side to side. She has a warm genuine smile, her attitude is always positive, her field performance is always excellent. Her consistency in all areas is just amazing.
On the way to Avon Lake Ohio
Movietime! Ratatouille 😀 thank you AZ ❤
Just crossed the Ohio border.
Redacted: personal previous experiences in Ohio
Sitting in the parking lot at the show site waiting for the truck. Alannah was telling me last night that since our talk in Illinois, she’s felt better and gotten a little better each day. Feeling more confident, more comfortable, and rehearsing and performing better each day. Tears can sometimes be helpful. Ha! If only it was that simple all the time! 😀 ❤
We’ve been here almost an hour and the truck is still an hour away. Logistics are easy 😦 I knew back in the parking lot of RCC after the show we were going to be in for a rough tour. I failed to appreciate at the time the depths, levels, and complete variety of communication gaps we would experience. Let it never be said that this organization can ever rise above a fundamentally messy and sloppy level of basic operation. Impulse seems to accept as a challenge how to define the term organization.
All this extra chill time on the bus is giving me more opportunities to perfect my personal filters and mental compartmentalization.
Redacted: various members sharing personal issues
Its awesome and sad that I’ve seen so much in this activity from so many different points of view and so many perspectives. One thing is for sure, good friendships last forever ❤
After the show
Well, tonight was the last show before Michigan City. I failed to prepare them better for this season. I could have stepped up when others didn’t. When they didn’t I shouldn’t have expected them to figure it out. I didn’t do all I could have done. I could have done a better job and maybe the corps would have been better. Maybe what they did tonight was their best. I dunno.
Here’s a thought. If I’m aware of my own fault and error, the fault and errors of others shouldn’t matter . I’m confident and capable enough to overcome my faults and errors and help others overcome their faults and errors. I can accept that responsibility. I have earned the opportunity to be accountable. Jeesuz ray, lighten up. Its an all rookie staff and they’re just kids. Chill out.
Josh and Bob are talking, while we wait for the drivers. While Bob spent 20 minutes talking to the whole staff and then to only the caps, Mike sat in the van, then Mike left to get the drivers, after our EDT passed. Logistics are easy, but I love the consistency.
Speaking of ray doing a crappy job, Trevor commented that I didn’t journal near as much in ’14 or ’15. In ’14 I was dying, and did a crappy job of that too. In ’15 … well… hop, hop, hop, kinda hard to write while holding crutches.
The hole in my chest where my heart used to be is now quite dynamic. Perfect, as I sit here contemplating my soulless exisistance, Bob decides now is the time to talk to me and Svettie about some drill issues she’s having in the closer. I know the chunk of music, but I don’t know what they’re talking about because that’s the 20%-30% part of the field I can’t see because of the circus tent over the synth and other electronics in the pit.
I know this is a slight exaggeration, but death sounds peaceful ❤
On the way to Michigan City